Changing it Up: pt 2

Getting Set

This is what the construction process is best at producing:

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Huge, nasty, dusty messes.  You see the lovely blue curtain?  A tarp, which is all that stands between this mess and our quality of life.  I thought I had dust before.  Now I have icing – drywall icing.

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You know how people used to sweep things under the rug?  Well, these guys throw things out the window.

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And eventually, out on what used to be the lawn.  The lawn had suffered from a surfeit of shade, what with all these wide-spreading trees.  But there are fewer trees now.  Fewer than we expected, actually – which is sad.  Once the second floor was framed, they got up there and cut down the branches we’d have had to build the house around.  See the pink tape?  That’s my efforts to preserve the Lily of the Valley bed it took me fifteen years to coax out of the ground.  And my daffodils.  And that green plastic safety fence?  That’s to preserve my puppies, who otherwise might find themselves underneath slab and insulation piles.  Or worse.

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This guy is actually just cutting the room off the house with a Saws-all.  What an odd idea – like slicing bread.  And no, we have not yet taken down the Christmas lights.  It’s been TOO COLD.

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Okay, here you can see the holes they cut in the room so that they could pass these wide belts through.

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And the knee bone connected to the ankle bone.  Actually, I think maybe instead of the Moffett, I want a back hoe.  They really are handy for so many things.  Think how much time the thing could save you, just pulling the accumulated stuff out of the bedrooms?

This is Les, our contractor.  He’s a great guy.  The thing I treasure about him is that he talks to you.  He doesn’t wait for you to ask questions you would never have known to ask.  Instead, he asks you questions about what you want, and how you’re going to use your space, and what your dreams have been, and what’s really important to you.  And then he gives you visions of how the space you’ve decided on might be used in new and unexpected ways.  And he’s patient, and very good natured.  All that, and he gets the job done, too.  This is the man I’ve dreamed of meeting for a good two decades.  Yippeeeeee!!

Later: the actual moving of the room.  Weird.

Posted in Construction, Fun Stuff, Just life | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Changing it Up: pt.1

Monsters aside, there’s a lot of stuff that the homeowner has to do herself, getting ready for the launch of a new space.  Like take all the stuff out of the old space.  Stuff she’d forgotten she had.  Stuff that hasn’t been moved for decades.  Stuff stuck to the walls with spider webs.

And books.  In our house, if there was an earthquake, the books would do us in.  Mountains of them.  Mostly marginally respectable stuff: popular novels, translations of Beowulf and TinTin, picture books, English poetry, how to do everything, how to sing everything, how to find your way around the inside of a pyramid, ancient books by people like Nevil Shute and Rumer Godden and Elizabeth Gouge, tear-jerking Christmas books, bird and tree identification books, odd leftovers from college – like grammar style books and outlines of literature, fishing books.

Anyway, lots of books.  Fine when they are corralled into their shelves, but dangerous if they get the wind up their tails and come out after you.  And no fun to unload, carry, and pile in temporary places – like in front of cabinet doors and drawers and in passage ways that were too narrow in the first place.

And glass.  Old glass.  Grandmother crystal and things Gin bought in Finland.  Odd bits of the stoneware and ceramics that make up our mongrel table settings.  And couches and shelf units and chairs.  This house was getting smaller under the weight of thirty one years’ worth of saving memories and things we might need someday.  The choice was clear: either get rid of the stuff (WHA???) or build another room.

So my house looks like this:

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and this:

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and this:

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The old room is stripped down to bare walls.  You know how your used car starts to look really great when you clean it up to sell it, and you start wondering why you’re getting rid of it?  Yeah, the empty room started looking plenty big.  If Char had bought a house before we started this room thing – necessitating that she take all her stuff and furniture to another location, maybe we would never have started it.  Too late now.

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Then they took the drywall off the bottom of the walls so they could sheer off the bolts that hold the room to the foundation.  Then they made holes in the walls so they could pass huge belts around the framing and back out again.

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They they built a wall inside the room to hold up the ceiling once it came loose from the house.

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This is the end of part one.  This all happened last Friday.  The rest happened today, but you will not see it till tomorrow.  Or even the next day.  I’m sure you will be rabid with anticipation.

Posted in Construction, Family, Fun Stuff, Just life | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

~Just for the heck of it

Home from church now.

Thinking a lot about the Sunday School lesson I gave last week.  And here to bring you yet another shocking article about how oddly LDS people see the universe.

Three words we don’t use a whole lot:

sin

hell

damnation

Not that we never use them.  We just don’t put the mileage on them some people of popular religion like to do.  And I expect that, when we do use them, the shapes they take on are a bit different than you might expect.

Altogether, as I have said before, LDS people spend much less time threatening each other with the dire consequences of wickedness than they do talking about what we should be doing, if we want to be happy and make our Father happy he ever created us.

For us, and understand that  I am only giving you my take on this, “sin” is pretty much anything that takes you out of harmony with the Spirit.  Like eating too much at Thanksgiving.  Or doing something in spite of the fact that you know it’s not right.  Being rude.  Being angry.  Being selfish.  Causing harm.  Jumping out of metaphorical airplanes without respect for the realities of gravity.  All of those things that have a jarring, twisting effect on your peace and effectiveness.  And most of those things are pretty well covered by the commandments. All of us pretty much suffer from a superfluity of this stuff, stubborn folk as we are.

(Gary Larson, master of oddness of mind)

As for hell, (again – only my take on this) we believe that the sacrifice and atonement of Christ has saved (at least to some degree) every person who signed on to be born on this planet from that.  From hell as a final destination.  So we don’t waste a lot of time worrying about ending up in hell as a place.  What we do worry about is the hell we can build for ourselves—out of regret for opportunities missed, loneliness, ill health, fear, hopelessness—out of guilt for damage we’ve done, harm to others.  There is no lake of fire and brimstone worse than living with these things.

So I’m discussing these things with my twelve and thirteen year olds.  And at the end of the lesson, there’s this sort of diagnostic quiz.  True or false.  Really, no matter how thoroughly you think you have a kid educated, a quiz like this shows you just how deluded you probably are.  As for this quiz, I was most interested in their answers to these:

True or False?

4.  To be damned is to be stopped or held back from blessings we might have received if we had obeyed God’s commandments.

5.  Hell is a place of never-ending suffering where sinners go.  Most mankind will be there forever because of their wickedness.

It was fun to watch these kids wrestle with the ideas.  Some of them were actually kind of writhing.  And it’s no wonder.  Like I say, they don’t hear discussion of this kind of thing much.  And these were a kind of one-two punch.

Imagine their surprise when I happily suggested that we are ALL pretty much damned in some way at any given moment.  The word is so often used to mean: You Have Arrived at Your Final Destination, and It Ain’t Pretty.  But really, the way I see it, “damnation” isn’t some definitive pronouncement on your eternal state.  Not till the judgment day, anyway.  It’s actually just a process word.

All human beings are a work in progress.  And only one that I know of was ever perfect.

And nobody does it TO you.  We just start out that way. When you’re born, you have no skills.  Your body knows how to stay alive, but that’s about all you got.  There is your first bit of damnation: you are limited in what you CAN do, because you don’t have the skill sets that would allow you to do more.  Including imagination.  You can’t really serve other people because you don’t know enough about being alive to imagine what other people might be feeling or needing.  So you can’t help them.  And that’s a damnation.

Growing up is a matter of gathering tools.  You learn how to imagine, empathize, change a tire, read, cook—and then you learn how to apply those tools in making the world more beautiful for everybody around you.  And in doing that, you begin to tear down all the little damns that held you back.

“What if you never learned to read?” I asked my kids.  “If you needed to know how to shut off a flooding toilet, and the instructions were written in a book, and you had the book in your hands, but you couldn’t look at the words and understand what they meant – could you save yourself from having a flooded house and a gross mess to clean up?”  (I didn’t use that example in church; I have my limits.)

But that’s what I mean — any time you don’t have the tools to do something you need to/want to/long to do – be they physical, spiritual, psychological, intellectual—language tools, strength in your muscles, the ability to play an instrument, having enough money to help—coming up short and being denied the desired outcome?  That’s the state of damnation.

So name me somebody who isn’t (aside from the notable exception)?

So we learn.  And we spend every day of our life practicing so that we can be ready to do things. We will never be good at ALL things, and aside from rare moments when we’re oddly inspired, we will rarely be perfect at anything.  But the truth is, most of the beautiful things we end up doing are not Great Things.  But little things.  The right thing at the right moment.  The brave thing.  The sweet thing.  The innocent thing.  To bring relief, joy, understanding.

This process of learning, even counting all of our million mistakes, cannot be taken as wickedness.  Wickedness is having the tools to do something good and choosing to use them to do something harmful instead.  Wickedness is doing things that damage others – or yourself – on purpose.  Maybe even getting a kick out of the process.  Ignorance isn’t even wickedness, though tons of harm may come of it.  Doing what you know is wrong—or even what you’ve been taught but chose not to hear—that’s wickedness.

So the process of spiritual growth is peeling back those layers of “damnation” as we learn and practice—to make ourselves more effective, productive, happy, strong, healthy – all that’s good and powerful—every time we make a new decision.

In talking about this, I envision that scene outside Scrooge’s window; he sees the formerly powerful men of the world wailing in sorrow and frustration because they, now in spirit only, find that their old tools no longer translate into ability.  They hadn’t used their tools for any truly important purpose when they were alive.  And that, then, is hell.  When it really is too late.  Not a place, but understanding without power to act.

The personal hells we build so carefully: fat, heavy bodies, craving for substances not natural or healthful, regret for words said, actions not taken, opportunities lost—love squandered, healing deferred in the name of self-righteous bitterness, secrets that might someday come to light—all the things that undermine our joy and freedom and effectiveness—these hells are very real.   And they aren’t going to disappear just because the Lord forgives us.  Unless he erases our memories for us, and changes the wiring in our brains.  Which I don’t believe he does.

Which means, when we die—and find out that we’re still real, still ourselves—just no longer alive on the earth—it’s not like we shed those memories and feelings, so we carry them with us, and they cripple us after this life, too.

If “heaven” were a living room, I think I’d feel really stupid walking into it.  I’d feel out of place and loud and not dressed right and terrified I was going to say something really, really stupid. And all of that, of course, is because I’m thinking mostly about myself in the first place.  I’d figure everybody else in there belonged and had friends and deserved to be there.  I’d be looking for the servant’s entrance, like I do at weddings, because I feel MUCH more comfortable if I’m cleaning tables rather than sitting at them.

So what I’m saying here is that I carry with me the thought patterns that characterize me now, and keep me from feeling happy and free.  And because I am still carrying them, they’ll keep me from being free, healthy and useful AFTER this life as well.  Because I’m always going to be myself.  Whatever it is I have chosen my self to become.

And therein lies the concept of differing degrees of eternal joy.

If you can’t swim, you stay out of the ocean.  If you can’t stand light, you won’t want to wander out into the brilliance of full day.  If you love the shadow and the dark, that’s what you’re going to look for.  If you’ve sat on your back end and stuffed your face all your life, you’re not going to be able to take a hike up the mountain, or run fast enough to get there in time.  If all you can think about is food, that’s going to make living immortally a little awkward.

All stuff we’ve chosen.

How can being forgiven change what we’ve already chosen?

Don’t we have to change that ourselves?  Before it’s too late?

Answers to the questions:

4. True

5. False, unless you are counting your own heart.

So there you are, my take on LDS doctrine.  Tomorrow, I’ll just show you pictures.

I promise.

Posted in Epiphanies and Meditations, Explanations, IMENHO (Evidently not humble), Just talk | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

+:Monsters 2: The Moffett Mounty:+

Another day, another tale.  I’d have put more into the processing of the images, but I feel sleety and drizzly (I wonder why) and an hour behind (not till tomorrow), so the tale’s the thing, and that’s all I got.  Here, the Plot Thickens (plit thockens?), a continuing story of puppy duress, pride of ownership, and a great big mess that will take months to sort out.

Why is this puppy living, alone and lonely, in this dark stairwell?

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Because the MONSTERS are back.
This time, it’s the Moffett Mounty.

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Three wheeled and long necked.  But strong as an Ox and far more interesting.

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All the guys who’ve shown up here have been so nice.  Even the ones who left their bottles of Power-aide and Rock Star in the bole of our aged Big Easter Egg hiding tree.  This Moffett, looking like a goofy but eager three legged dog, showed up to carry in the lumber.

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Here you see him “fetching” the wrong ceiling trusses.  He doesn’t know they’re wrong.  Neither do we, yet.  But we’ll figure it out.  Later.

Notice that he has to bring them in through the gates, into the drive.

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And that the drive is flanked by a BASKETBALL STANDARD, which nobody here plays with anymore. What will the Moffett do?????

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Extend his neck of course.  Now he looks like an eager three legged giraffe.

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But WAIT!!  He has to make a ninety degree turn into the yard, and when he swings around . . .

INCHES from the window.

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But he makes it.  With a zero turn radius and a brain sitting in the driver’s seat, the Moffett makes this look like a beautifully choreographed bit of acrobatics.

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Finished.  Time to go home. This is the absolutely coolest part.  Notice the excellent example of track pad calligraphy?  Yeah.  If you can’t read it, this is what it says: there are holes under the deck of the truck trailer.  And the Moffett has these two – ummm – forks.  Which actually make him a fork lift.

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The forks can be (must be if you don’t want a really long ride home) inserted into the holes under the truck bed.

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This is where the Moffett takes the  “lift” part of  “fork lift” very seriously.

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He picks himself up off the road, and goes up –

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UP

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And tucks himself very neatly onto the back of the truck.  This kind of behavior is more possum like that dog like.  But possums cannot be talked into fetching anything.  You can get one of these nifty guys for yourself – they only cost about $30000 used.  And you almost have to go to the UK to get them.  But hey – do they look like fun or what?  The PERFECT food storage solution.  Or you can use them to get cats out of trees.  Or small children out of locked upstairs bathrooms.  The possibilities are truly endless.

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And here is the truck, with more wheels than anybody ever should have to have.  I don’t know why it has so many wheels, but I bet it’d be interesting watching them rip into action.

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And who is this man, courting a severe case of electrocution?

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The G-ster.  I tried to talk him out of doing the electrical.  But he’s got his mind set on it.  I’m just telling you this, so that – should anything untoward happen – you will all know that I told him so.

Next: WHERE IS THAT ROOM GOING?????

Posted in Construction, Fun Stuff, Just life | Tagged , , | 6 Comments

=:Monsters:=

[I begin here with abject apology and ashes on my head.  I don’t know what it was that I was shooting, but I evidently needed aperture priority, a wide open lens and an ISO of 1600, which doesn’t deliver quite as bad an image quality as I got on that barn snow-wave shot, but almost.  In real life, with film, 1600 gives you a grainy image.  It’s only camera verite when you get grain out of a digital image.  And at these settings, you need really, really low light.

So here I was, wanting to document the fact that SOMETHING ELSE IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING at my house.  And I ran outside with the camera, never thinking I might actually have to check my exposure, and I shot the first several frames of this REALLY REALLY badly.  As you will see.  So I’m sorry.  Really, really sorry.]

This is a story I wanted to tell well.

I was getting ready to meet Chaz for lunch, when the cement truck, which was supposed to come at four showed up at TWO.   A sub-contractor was EARLY. They were racing an unexpected storm.  So all plans were off.

The foundation we were pouring was framed up deep inside the yard, behind a line of trees, and I had unhappy visions of cement trucks sinking in our soggy yard right up to the hubs.  But our contractor had other ideas.  He hired this high-tech truck – one that doesn’t need to drive all over  your lawn.  Instead, it parks in the street and sends this—I don’t even know what to call it—robotic arm (or throat or something) out to span the distance between road and yard.

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And that’s what I was out there to shoot.  I wanted to see this odd thing happen.  So I was waiting around in the yard, just talking to the guys, when I looked up and here was this weird thing happening, way up in the air over my head.

The arm was awakening.

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It’s hard to see with this stupid exposure.  But here was this odd, huge, giant thing slowing unfolding itself, miles above us.

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It was totally creepy—the movement  slow and deliberate , as though the thing were self aware .

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Still pictures (especially really bad ones) can’t really do this justice.  But see the guys?  Even when you’re used to seeing this thing rise and unfold itself, you can’t take your eyes off of it.

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You almost want to crouch and hide so it won’t notice you.

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And when your first sight of it was RIGHT OVER YOUR HEAD like it was LOOKING DOWN AT YOU, it’s SCARY.  If you size this image up and look at it, you get a better feel for the immensity of the thing.  (This is the point where I noticed the peculiar exposure settings.)

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Kind of graceful.  Kind of angular. Incredibly big. Impossibly tall.  And strong—to maintain its own weight at these angles, and then the weight of tons of concrete –

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And then it begins to extend itself, like it’s looking for something.

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“Ah,” it says, and begins to lower its odd head.  For a moment, it caught in the branches of the tree.  Then, delicately, it moved to disentangle itself and took a clearer path.

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(Are you down there, little rabbit?  The raptor is looking for you.)

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Over the tops of the trees.

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And down to the floor of our little forest.

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Honestly, the truck looked like a locust, and this – this thing looked like a giant ova depositor.   The guys were walking around under it, like it was nothing.  But I couldn’t help thinking what a dent it would make in everything if that great thing had collapsed.

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This is the nose of the thing.  A rubber udder.

Imagine, as you look at this, the red neck, extending maybe fifty feet above it.

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Then this other truck came and fed cement into the first truck.  It all seemed strangely biological.

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And the cement began to flow – all the way up that red contraption and over – to shoot out of the rubber udder.  You didn’t want to stand anywhere near it—flecks of cement flew everywhere.  Milking a cement cow.

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But it kind of looks like a fun job.  A little urgent, but still fun.

Now here is a sad story.  The puppies are really growing up, and they believe that it is their duty to protect the house from – everything.  When they go out the front door, they send their barks out before them, just warning the bad guys off – then their bodies follow with chests all puffed out  (do NOT mess with us).

But the day Blake first showed up with his giant truck, hauling his huge trailer with the backhoe on it, Tucker had met his match.   Just the rumble of that thing on the road sent Tucker onto the front porch, backed up so far against the house, his tail end was smashed against the storm door.

When I opened the door for him, Tucker shot inside and ran straight up the stairs (where all the bedroom doors are closed – preserving the contents of the rooms from puppy ravishment – so it’s like a cave up there).  That’s where we finally found him.  Looking just like this:

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Tucker didn’t come down again that whole day.

Construction has been rough for him.

He was outside when the cement monster came.  Guy found me, shooting my bad images out there in front, and he was concerned.  He couldn’t find Tucker anywhere – inside, outside, front or back.  Finally, he located the puppy.  It was sheer luck that he found him.

And this is where he was:

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No dog has set foot in this little house, buried way back in our little thicket, for a dozen years.  But I guess it looked like a haven – spiders and all – to Tucker.  And there he stayed.  And would not come out – not until he could get a straight shot across the grass to the back door.  And once he was inside, he was back upstairs till all the monsters were long gone.

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They ran out of cement twice.  You can’t help but feel important when these big trucks keep rumbling down your street, delivering things to you.  So the guy is looking up – like he’s going to be able to tell if there’s any more material in that arm up there.

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And the neighbors came to watch it all.  I say neighbors, I mean long-time friends.  This is Jeri, who brought me the eggs.  And Reed, who is the angel of deliverance in our neighborhood – got an emergency?  You find Reed, because he knows what to do—and has the tools.

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He is the sweetest man.  He carved that walking stick, and now he’s using it – had his knee fixed a couple of weeks ago.  And I knew he was watching all that business outside, just aching to be out there doing it himself.

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Reed was the one who de-mystified the monster for me.  See the guy with the little yellow and gray box, hanging from the strap around his neck?  The one with the red joy stick?  He’s the life of the Red Thing.  He runs it with that little box.  He can move it an inch this way, up a foot, over trees – makes it alive.  Like some incredibly dangerous video game.

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Here the guys are, floating the slab.  A few minutes later, these guys were gandy-dancing.  Old, old skills.

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And while they did that, the monster withdrew.

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And slowly –

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Very slowly and neatly –

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folded itself away.

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They had just beaten that storm.

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And once again –

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The truck looked like a locust.

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Later, the finisher came.  Just before the rain.  He worked on that cement for about an hour – and it was beautiful when he finished.  He said he’d started learning the skill in high school.  They won’t hang his work in a museum, but it will be supporting a lot of important history for us over the next many years.

And that’s the end of this part of the story.  After he left, once again – the waiting game.

But Tucker is all right with that.

Posted in Construction, Images, Just life | Tagged | 20 Comments

=:Happy Gifts:=

My first gift:

A few things from the ’80s

First, these two gorgeous people.  I found them in the photo album I’ve been scanning the last month.  He’s a drummer.  She’s an angel.

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They’re older now, and have much better hair.  He was also the youngest LDS Bishop ever in his LDS ward.  Not then.  Later.  After the hair got better.

Second, the spirit of August.

I know it’s only March, but I figured we could use a little magic.  She is actually the wind.

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The wind blowing.

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The wind blowing in 1914 black and white (the world was not in color till some time in the 1950s and Gin is not 94 years old).

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The wind, reading.

My second gift:

Literally—MY gift.  To me.  From Jeri, who lives across the street and has chickens, several of them, all of whom are in love with her husband.  She has several different kinds of chickens, but my favorite are the Aracunas.  Or Americunas.  Or whatever you call them.  They lay colored eggs.  Blue ones.  Green ones.   And she has a Plymouth Rock – which means brown eggs.  Lovely brown eggs that even run to dusty rose.

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And Jeri brought me some.  Free, fresh, totally cool eggs that are sitting in a little crock (almost as good a word as “cobble”) in my fridge.  It is much harder to crack real eggs.  And the yolks are wonderfully dark yellow.  Just so you know.

My third gift:

Some totally cool links to interesting, charming, fascinating and some very beautiful places:

Cori has written some of the most beautiful things I’ve ever read.  If you want heart and truth and charm, this is very good stuff.

Lindy is chronicling her artist’s journey.  This is a very nice piece with some yummy glimpses of her work.  She has a lovely spirit.

Quilting took a shot in the arm the day Sue  Spargo started her fabric and fiber and bead dance.  Here, you can see the fab detail of her designs.

And here, you can see Kelly’s work, too.  She has been inspired by Sue, and has contributed designs to a new book.  Her husband is a wood carver.  He’s got process shots of a sculpted horse’s head that are really interesting.

Wooliza is one of the places where you can find very charming needle felting.  I can’t remember if this is the shop or a blog, but whichever, it’s as fun as shopping, just looking.  And, of course, Lauri Sharp’s stuff.  Lauri is the nicest person.  I’m whining at her to come teach a felting class at my house, if she’s passing this way.  So if you’re interested in such a thing, let me know.  Not that whining every really gets me anywhere.

EmptyFridge.  This is a blog, and I am sending you to an entry that flatters ME.  Because I loved it.  And it made me feel wonderful.  And that’s not a bad thing, every so often.

Sproost.  This is a fun little site where you can take a what’s-your-interior-design-style quiz.  And look at some very cool interiors.

AllAroundUs.  Another beautiful blog by a person I do not know at all.  I don’t spend a lot of time just wandering around.  But sometimes I follow links on favorite blogs that lead me to other very cool people.  And sometimes I find people on Etsy, and follow them down to their blogs.  Like I did with the lovely Julie at Little Cotton Rabbits.

TownHall is a conservative sort of opinion place, but this article, Guy sent me – it’s how he feels about the Toyota thing, and I thought it was worth reading, too.

KathyCooper does Floor Cloths.  Trust me, these are SO COOL.  And I want to make one.  I want to make about five.

fadeeva is a Russian artist who does really stunning felt work.  I think she might work in other media, too.  But her wool sculpting is amazing.

Sam, my friend Marilyn’s husband, is an artist who can articulate the process.  He’s also silly as all get out. I’ve been reading his discussions of the mechanics of visual arts, and it’s been very intriguing and thought provoking.  If you’re interested in how a line becomes a communication, take a look.  The newest posts are a little more technical.  The older ones, a little more philosophical.

This video is about Haiti and the music behind it is an artist we’ve been working with for a long time now in the studio.  The video is strong, and the music is beautiful.

Mike McLean has started a blog based on a concept he has just written a book about – one that he has started building into his own life – it’s his Mission to Be Happy.  He’s such a good man, and I love his family.  This is a little insight into a pure heart that’s had a long, not so easy journey, and how he and his take life as a gift.  Well worth a read.

So anyway.  There are some things that might give you just a tiny vacation – eye candy, heart candy, a catharsis here, and inspiration there.  If you like any of these things, let me know, okay?  Because I’d love to talk about it.

Posted in A little history, friends, Fun Stuff, Making Things, The kids | Tagged , , , , , , | 12 Comments

Mixin’ it in the Fix

Okay – you want a little window into how my quirky little brain works?  Here’s what I do in my spare thinking:  I can’t remember what started this particular series of thoughts; I was making breakfast.  And for whatever reason, I started thinking about word components and how English words are built.  I was thinking of the prefix “ex.”  As in “no longer” or “against.”  WAIT!!  I remember.  The guy with the machine is back, and I had watched him for a moment while he was backfilling the foundation, and I thought, “He’s an excavator.”  Then I heard the word a little sideways and thought – wait – ex- cave- ator.  Like, a guy who carves out caves.  And then I wondered if I was anywhere near the accepted (as opposed to “true”) etymology.

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The excavator.  Or excavater.  Or excavationist.  Actually, I don’t think there’s actually an accepted word for this.  Anyway – look close.  See that big wheel?  It’s suspended over the foundation ditch.  The machine is standing on its two little wheels and its spider legs.  How often do I feel JUST like this looks?

Then I thought about the word, “examine.”  But I couldn’t take it apart. Ex –a- min.  I still have to look all this up and see what the accepted scholarship is on this.  I dropped that for a second and revisited “antidisestablishmentarianism,” which a GREAT tool to use, teaching people about the way English words are cobbled together (like cobble stones – streets made out of a series of stones, all fit together).

I thought – “Yeah, but who would I teach?”  And then I thought about my Sunday School class, and figured I could use the way words are built as a metaphor for how our lives are built – all out of little units of meaning, an aggregate of pivotal events – many contradictory—that eventually coalesce into a personal operating system.  (Now, I’m thinking that ranking the units plays into this – so chronology may have something to do with it, but deliberate assignment of value probably plays more heavily).

But I digress (yes, yes, yes).

Then I went back to ex-amine, which I still can’t explain.  I kept thinking “a – min.”  And then another word popped into my head: amenable.  At first glance, I pared the “a” (which is a common enough prefix) and looked soley at the “men,” just like I was trying to do with “ex-a-mine.”

And then it hit me: the word isn’t “a- men – able.”  It’s “AMEN – able.” As in, “I can say ‘amen’ to that.”

How funny.  Am I right?  I should look.  But when you look at “atonement,” one of the most solemn and dignified words in any language, you learn that it’s a fairly modern construct that simply breaks down as “at – one – ment.”  That was its birth.  That’s how it came to be – a churchman explaining this particular concept with a cobbled together word.

And shoot – I’m amenable to that.

See?  See how weird I am?

(Looked up examine.  Looks like it comes from the root examen –(test or try) which sounds to me like ex (“against” or “outside” of or “formerly”) AMEN.  Meaning, you are not simply accepting something commonly understood as one thing – you are stepping out of the AMEN to take another look.  HA!!

(Looked up “amen” – From the Hebrew for TRUTH. From Semitic. root a-m-n “to be trustworthy, confirm, support.”

Is it any wonder that 1) my bacon always burns and 2) I never get anything done?

Posted in Just talk | Tagged , | 15 Comments

Cowboys

Waiting for Murphy to write.  And for breakfast to cook.  And for word on the fiancé of one of the sons of our ward – a girl who lives in a small town near Concepcion, in Chili.

I am of the Dick Van Dyke Show generation.  Not city.  Not country.  I am Suburban, member of a class of landed people whose cash crops run primarily to children and lush lawns without crabgrass.  I’ve lived on both coasts of the US, in the heartland of Missouri and down under the Lone Star.  I was born to the generation that wrested social change out of southern entrenchment (too young to have actively done much), and to a family that really didn’t waste much time judging people.  My parents were too busy keeping shoulder to the wheel to look around and comment on their neighbors.

I didn’t know we were white until the day I saw the race riot.  I just thought everybody was people (keep your grammarian concepts of number to yourself).  I still don’t know it.  I DO, however, now suspect that I am getting old.

It is interesting to me to realize that I am only two generations away from the land.  I’ve known a few older people in my life who lived with outhouses.  The world we live in is so changed from the world of just one hundred years ago – a world that had not changed much in all the history of the planet before that, for who knows how many thousands of years.  We think our lives are “normal.”  But in thinking that, we belie our ignorance and inexperience.  And our very, very fragile hold on what we think of as civilization.

What I want to write about is this:

Two cowboy brothers have won  top place in the last two heats of The Amazing Race.  I don’t know if you watch this show.  I love it.  I actually made it through all the running parts of my treadmill workout this morning without even noticing I was sweating, I was so involved in the dang race.

The thing that strikes me about these guys from Oklahoma is the way they keep saying, “Don’t let the hat fool you.”  As though the cowboy hat has actually become a common symbol of stupidity and brutishness and they have to apologize for it.

But the truth is, in the last eight years, I got plenty sick of hearing the word “cowboy” said as though it meant something you picked up only between thumb and forefinger – something to be held far away from your nice clothes.  I heard it said this way in European accents.  And in Eastern Seaboard accents (which includes, oddly, certain parts of California).  It generally came out of the mouths of people who preen themselves on their very tolerant and non-discriminatory life philosophies.

The word became oddly and repulsively ironic.

So – in the eyes (ears?) of the sophisticated, the artsy, the plus-educated – the accents of people who come out of Oklahoma or Arkansas or Texas are a clear indication of a total lack of intelligence?  The Jersey accent, or the Chicago one, talking about the Sox –  now that, we like.  We like it in sit coms.  We like it in character actors.  A speech pattern, endearing and quirky and funny.   But the deep drawl of the Texas native – there can be no wit, no intelligence, no grace behind such an accent?

I’m not sure if there is a point to the way The Amazing Race casts its seasons.  Certainly, they love to pull in the quirky but stereotypical—both ends: the outrageous and the classic “normal.”  They achieve a cross section, but not necessarily representative of the population at large, heavily weighted by “good television” types. It is interesting to watch how some teams work beautifully together, solving complex problems, respecting one another, even under highly stressful situations.  And how other combinations do not prove themselves effective at all, perhaps so caught up in their quirkiness that they reinforce, rather than blast to pieces, the stereotype they were cast to represent.

These cowboy brothers?  They are running around the world in their cowboy hats, flashing their dimples, and proving themselves to be true knights of the range.  They are civil to every one (which too many of these racers are not), respectful – but canny and quick minded.  And I have never heard them use a vile or vulgar word.  Most interestingly – they are WAY capable, used to work, used to a reality that most of the world actually shares on a daily basis.  Which is not the reality of sitting in an office and dabbling in the abstract structures of theoretical, informational, political structures.

These boys may be called “unsophisticated.”  OH, BUT BEWARE – because “sophistication” comes from less than high-class roots:  c.1400, “use or employment of sophistry,” from M.L. sophisticationem (nom. sophisticatio), from sophisticare “adulterate, cheat quibble,” from L. sophisticus “of sophists,” from Gk. sophistikos “of or pertaining to a sophist,” from sophistes “a wise man, master, teacher” [A THEORIST]. [The] meaning “wordly wisdom, refinement, discrimination” is attested from 1850 [and so is fairly new.  Industrial revolutionary new].

Sophistication is a new invention.  A reality in which “taste” (which is totally relative) trumps usefulness  (which is material), and into which only certain “types” of human beings can enter.  In other words, sophistication is the invention of a rising middle class, still slightly damp and dusty from the fields that were once their life and reality – a class which found that sitting in a chair at a desk and wearing nice clothes to work were far more comfortable than getting their hands dirty.  A class that defends its existence by spinning tales for itself to explain why it deserves to have exchanged wrenches and hammers and plows for computers and keyboards and power over other people.

These people have to find reasons why they don’t have to  “think of people below them as if they really were fellow-passengers to the grave, and not another race of creatures bound on other journeys.” (Dickens.  A Christmas Carol)  And they give those reasons a whole lot of names: style, polish, awareness, refinement, verbal equity, sensitivity, the afore mentioned refinement and discrimination.  And these are all based on rules they have written themselves.  Wait.  No.  We.  We have written for ourselves.

People I had every other reason to respect spent the Bush years taking pot shots at his delivery.   Hating him for that—long before they had any other reason to disagree with him.  Calling him “Cowboy,” meaning barbarian or heathen.

Well, let me tell you something—cowboys have a long code.  Some of them are just like a lot of the Sox fans and the rest of the working and actually productive world – too fond of beer, too likely to leer at women, too quick with fists.  But many of them are also the finest people in the world – they work hard, they are good at what they do, they are courteous (yeah – in Texas, you say, “Yes, ma’am” and “Yes, sir,” before you get out of diapers) and they give an honest day’s work for an honest day’s pay.  Some of them are heroes.  Some of them are poets and artists.  Many of them know the land in a way that theorists and scholars may never hope to approximate.

And when this precious fragile civilization of ours – the one that values arugula and well-cut suits and political networking and sends all the dirty work of MAKING the things we depend upon, like cars and printing and steel and even baby toys, to poor countries who are ignorant enough to still want to DO those kinds of things – when it all comes unraveled, which it must – and when we suddenly are faced with the questions: how do I feed myself?  How do I manage water?  How do I fix this so it works so I can work?  How do I build a house, a dam, a fence, a working pump? — when those things happen, who would you rather live next door to – those competent brothers who are racing around the world in their big hats, connecting easily with people from all countries, friendly, respectful and patently effective?  Or some glad-handing senator?  Or some big shot Doctor of Political Science (Political science? Really????).

I don’t want to be part of a nation of theorists.  I want to live with real people.  People who do real work and call you “Ma’am” and have dimples.  And who aren’t always trying to figure out a way to get power over you – especially when it’s “for your own good.”

So that’s what I’m sayin’.  Hurray for the cowboys.  Long may they wave.  Hurray for the independent, hard working, moral human who minds his or her business and is too busy being productive to pontificate about it (ooops – pontificating. Maybe I should go do something else).  Hurray for the true heart, the person who serves rather than dictates and who seeks always to do better, to learn, to take care of business honestly.  Hurray for the million accents, and the million rich minds behind them.

I hope the cowboys win.

Posted in Epiphanies and Meditations | 13 Comments

): Sweet Sorrow :(

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Airports used to be in my blood.  We were always flying free, my family – to see the Missouri grandmothers, to have our teeth done in Chicago (my dentist uncle), eventually, to visit Paris when I was fourteen.  I used to love flying.  But when my dad left TWA to build a major southern airport, I lost my free ticket.  And my casual jump-on-plane travel-may-care.

Not that traveling had been without stress.  When you’re a stand-by baby, you get yourself all wound up – sometimes for nothing.  You can spend hours at the airport waiting for a flight.  I remember one time, so tired, so repeatedly disappointed – when they announced the closing of the flight, I spun around and sobbed into my mother’s skirt.

But I was never more comfortable, more relaxed than when I was curled up in the seat of a plane, dozing to the lovely drone of the engines. Until the day when I was strapping myself into my now paid-for visited seat, headed home from grad school for Christmas: I sighed with contentment, in my element, looked down at the floor and noticed the huge, beefy bolt heads, fastening the seats in front of me to the floor.  I was flooded with affection and trust and thought, “Look how solid this plane is.  Those seats are bolted right down – into a floor – – that’s suspended 30,000 feet in the air with utterly no visible means of support.”

And that was the end of my love-affair with the air.

Then one day, I raced to the airport in my little Volkswagen, only to see my plane take off while I was still looking for parking.

Going to the airport became a study in panic from that time on.  Nerves.  Worry.

And now this.

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These people.

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Going away.

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(five o’clock in the morning.  too early for flash.  too early for anything.)

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How do you walk a beloved child into a terminal and leave her at entrance to  the security line?  You look at each other, feeling the spirit behind your eyes pressing, pressing against the walls that keep us so humanly separate. All we are left with are words and the quick embrace – helpless to frame the pain that stretching this connection will cost.

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I’m no so hot about airports anymore.

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Posted in Family, Gin, The g-kids, The kids, Visits | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

~:February Hearts:~

Bright spots. That’s what you need in February. Like Valentine’s day – or, more correctly – Saint Valentine’s day. Even though we have basically no idea which particular Valentine it is we’re celebrating (which in itself is kind of charming), we’ve been celebrating for over 1600 years (which in itself is kind of alarming).  At what point hearts and lace and hormones entered into the fete, nobody is sure; they think maybe it was Chaucer – which would explain the hormones, at least (whan smalle fowles maken melodia).  Whatever, we do know it happened before Hallmark came along and packaged the whole thing in folded card stock.

I, for one, love Valentine’s day.  Giving them.  That’s my favorite part.

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Delivered flowers and a couple of pounds of chocolate aren’t so bad, either.

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And then, sometimes, things actually happen.  This may be the last time they happen for another week – but hey – you take it where you can.

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On Presidents’ day, I went down to feed the horses.  When I came out of the barn, I saw all these suspicious guys, bundled up against the cold, walking slowly down the street behind a couple of trucks.  Weirded me out.  I couldn’t figure out what they were about.  Then I saw the flags.  I knew that the Boy Scouts put out flags on every national holiday on this street – by subscription.  I’d seen it before.  One flag in each yard.  But this – this was something else again.  I don’t quite understand it.  Presidents’ day has become more like a huge commercial sales day than like a patriotic and moving celebration.  But when I looked at what they had done, my throat began to close up.  All these flags, with the mountains behind – symbols of strength and stubborn determination.  Of faith unmoved.

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Of sacrifice to protect this: the heart of America – the fertile, open land, also a symbol of the wide open opportunities here, the call to work and harvest what you’ve sown – the wide sky through which the falcon ranges  on wild arcs.

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Yeah.  A dreary February day.  Ugly, dull weather.  But blazing now in brilliant bunting – too wandering a line to be quite military, but snapping bravely in the perverse winds.  A surprise.  I went down the road a girl bent to heave hay—weary, a little discouraged, feeling her age.  But when I raised my eyes, I was suddenly an American.  And that means give me liberty or give me death.  Get out of my way, because I’m going to do it, come hell or high water.  Not much gray in that.

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Here is a picture of my brother and his wonderful wife, two years ago.

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A large presence, wouldn’t you say?  But in the last several months, the two of them got serious about health and living, and did something about it.  This is my brother this week, standing here with my Gin (here from RI for a short dang ten days).

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Holy CATS!!  Lookin’ GREAT.  And here’s a scientific conclusion: losing body mass does NOT mean losing silliness.  No risk of that at all.  So do not fear –

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This is utterly amazing.  So many years, I was worried every time he sat in my twig rocker.  Now he can dance on my head.  Looks TONS like our dad – except for the beard, which my father would NEVER grow.  But then, he did finally buy a pair of jeans . . .

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Last, but not least, the ten days with Gin and Max.  When they leave, there will be an aching hole in this house.  Which summons the usual caveat: you who think your children are wearing you out, who cannot wait till they are grown?  It will happen soon enough. So very, very soon.  And those of you who look at your children without seeing?  You will feel that keenly in years to come.  Parenting years are tough in so many ways, but if you do the job right – stick to it, rise to it, love it – then you too will be left in pools of tears when they, having come to visit, leave again.  Dang it.

But that’s the way with bright spots – they leave echoes in your eyes.  So when the brightness fades, it takes you a while to see clearly again.

Posted in Epiphanies and Meditations | 8 Comments